When it all feels too heavy.
It’s been a minute since I blogged because life got so busy. But I am excited to get back to it with focus and direction on the things God has ignited a passion for in my heart - encouraging women through infertility and motherhood.
I found this excerpt in a journal the other day dated July 16, 2016. This is right as we were starting back up the testing process to move forward with our second IVF attempt. If you haven’t heard our full story, you can listen here.
Holiday are hard when you’re in a season of waiting and so is starting a new year off, uncertain of what it will hold and desperately wanting a baby to call your own. I hope these words encourage your heart and remind you that you are not alone, that God is faithful and that He hears your cries.
“Today was really hard. Jumping back into the world of testing and preparing for IVF has been like ripping the bandaid off. For months, I have been able to find such contentment in the season of life we are in because I knew this was in the distant future. But the closer it has gotten, the more my emotions have become a roller coaster. As we sat in the waiting room at CCRM, I looked around and seemed to be surrounded with women much older than me. I had this moment of foreshadowing like - what if that’s me? What if this doesn’t work? I am about to be 30 and my clock is ticking. I never felt the pressure of my age until now. With this big milestone looming around the corner, I am feeling so much more like the clock is ticking. All of the sudden, I got so overwhelmed with my emotions and these doubts that so quickly jumped into my head. Isn’t that how Satan works? I burst into tears and had to leave the office. As I sat in my car, I just sobbed. I haven’t cried this hard in a really long time. The weight of our story and where we are at hit me like a ton of bricks. The pressure on my chest made it hard to breath. I think it was a minor panic attack. I turned on worship music because that’s all I knew to do and just cried out to God. The things we had to walk through today are things no one should have have to experience. Things inserted in places they don’t go, tubes upon tubes of blood taken, surgeries, schedules, calendars, etc. I normally can handle a whole lot but I hit my breaking point today. I needed a moment to step back and just be with Jesus.
I don’t understand why we are having to walk through this. I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. My entire social media feeds are filled with baby announcements and I don’t know if that will ever be me. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I will be fine if we can’t have kids, I know my heart won’t be. My heart has a baby shaped hole in it that only a child can fill. I have tried so hard to fill it with other things and it does help for a season. But I know I am supposed to be a mom. Someway, somehow.
I want to walk into this season full of confidence in who God is and what He is able to do. I believe with all that I am that He is the creator of life, a miracle worker, able of so much more than my simple mind can imagine. Lately, I have felt God tell me over and over to pray expectantly for big things. And I have been doing just that. Praying and believing that God has big things in store for our season of parenthood. But waiting is so hard. Not knowing the end of the story is so hard. Trusting God even when you feel like your heart is being shattered into a million pieces is so hard. I want to be ok with where God is taking us and the plans He has for us. And most days I am. But some days, Satan fills my mind with so much doubt and lies that the burden feels overwhelmingly heavy and the end seems nowhere in sight.
One thing I have been learning lately is to take a moment when I need it. When life seems to be too much, when my circumstances seem unbearable, when the stress is at an all time high, I take a break. Take a walk. Sit in my car. Get somewhere by myself and have a moment to sort things out with Jesus. I have been doing this more frequently and it’s been so good for my heart. When I step away and just fall on my face before Him, He meets me right there, in the car in the parking lot of the fertility clinic and softly whispers to me - ‘I am who I say I am. My promises are true.’”
Can you relate to this story, these feelings, these overwhelmingly emotional moments? Leave a comment below to share your story + encourage other warriors in the trenches.
Lots of love,